Dear Amy: I am in a long-distance relationship with a lovely man who I met when we were in school.
After graduation, he had to return to his country of origin because he could not get a work visa.
He is unhappy with his work, and wants to quit, move here, marry me and work on getting his visa while I support him financially.
The problem is that I have two kids and a very low-paying job at the moment (I’m an intern at a local mental health agency.) I can’t support him, and he can’t work here without a visa.
I’m content to have each of us work at our respective careers until I can either support him financially or until he reaches a point in whatever career he chooses that he can get a work visa here in his own right.
He tells me that he doesn’t know how much longer he can live with this situation, but I have a career to launch and two kids to raise.
Is it reasonable that I don’t want to jeopardize my financial and career future when it feels like I might be enabling him to commit career suicide?
He has said that he might have to look for jobs in other countries, etc., and I understand this and support him in doing what he needs to do. The way I see it, if he gets a job in his chosen career path, it will make him more employable anywhere, including where I live.
Again, I’m OK with staying the course until we are both better established. I don’t want to be unsupportive, but I have finances and children to consider.
Does this sound reasonable? — Wondering
Dear Wondering: Yep, you’re good. Your guy seems to be dangling the prospect of him moving here and entering into a convenient marriage while you support him, as if it were a shiny bauble, instead of a very heavy lift.
Your reaction and plan of action is prudent, reasonable and responsible. Stick with it.
Dear Amy: My husband and I had best friends that we traveled with and attended many events with.
They questioned something my husband did, which they felt strongly about, and because of that, the friendship ended.
The husband of this couple has emailed us occasionally, wishing us a happy holiday or asking a general question. My husband always replies.
I have written a letter, and sent emails requesting that we get together for dinner.
I don’t expect that anyone should have to say they are sorry, but that we should all just be gracious and resume our lost connection.
Recently, my husband also requested a get-together. They responded that this would be a good idea after the holidays.
Well, summer is almost here, with no results.
My heart doesn’t want to give up, but how much can you push to pursue the past?
Should I give up? — So Sad
Dear So Sad: It’s a little hard to tell from your question, but I’m going to assume that whatever your husband did, he was at fault and the friendship was damaged as a result.
Their cordial contact with you is a sign that they don’t want to erase their affiliation, but they might be waiting for something before they can commit to a renewed friendship.
Your idea that no one should apologize for anything is wrongheaded. You want for everyone to be “gracious.” Well, you’ve got graciousness now. You won’t have intimacy until your husband admits, apologizes and at least attempts to clear the air.
Stop pushing to get together and work on your relationship from a distance.
Dear Amy: I’m responding to “Stressed in NY,” a retiring couple wanting to move right after their son’s graduation.
Your response was perfect. I can relate to how their son feels. Of course he’s unhappy. In 1973, my parents moved our family from Tulsa to Boston three days after my high school graduation.
I sat at commencement hyperventilating, knowing I was going to be leaving everything I knew behind. I had to leave my childhood home, friends and extended family. I’m an only child, so the move was particularly rough.
I returned to Oklahoma to attend college, but I forever felt rootless and disjointed. I flew home for school breaks and holidays, but it wasn’t “home.”
Your advice to the parents was a wonderful solution to help their transitioning son accept the move. — Rooted Now
Dear Rooted: I felt for this family.